The Strangeness Of Being Hit On By A Cougar, And Other Musings
The tl/dr version:
A loud, drunk cougar ran her hands through my hair at a restaurant.
Tonight, I ate dinner at the best Mexican-Jewish restaurant in greater Chicago, La Casa De Isaac. The meal was terrific as usual, except for one caveat: there was perhaps the most incredibly obnoxious table in the history of dining right next to me. It was this 35-40 year old woman’s birthday, and she and her party were wasted beyond the point of no return. Wasted to the point that birthday cougar thought it would be a good idea to scream, at the top of her lungs, in a crowded restaurant,
“MAZERATI CAR! MAZERATI CAR! MAZERATI CAR!”
Over and over, intermittently, for ten minutes or so. I couldn’t catch the context (there was some mention of “FACEBOOK” and “GUCCI”), but I don’t think it would have mattered.
Other topics at that table included needing someone to knock up birthday cougar and having birthday cougar be promoted from imaginary CFO to imaginary CEO by “going under the table”. The sheer noise of their conversations made them impossible to ignore.
I was thinking up all different ways to tell her to shut up when she decided to one-up me by RUNNING HER HAND THROUGH MY HAIR as she got back from the bathroom. I, of course, was rendered speechless. Her friends were shocked and apologized to me, and she did too, with the disclaimer: “you’re really cute, though!” Instead of doing the right thing, which would have been to say, “well, you’re really fucking loud” (why do I always think of the right thing to say like five minutes after the saying window has closed? It’s very frustrating), I quickly muttered “oh, thanks, heh heh, so are you”.
She said sorry one more time and slurred, “I totally want to run my hands through your hair again though…but I WON’T SO DON’T WORRY TEE HEE”.
I smiled weakly and got the hell out of there ASAP.
I’m still processing all of this, but the one thing I know for certain is I need to wash my hair. I can almost guarantee that she didn’t wash her hands. Ew.
